This Pizza Will Transform Your Love Life

 

What about that St. Valentine’s Day, eh? A soulless cynical charade solely existing to make money for card manufacturers and lacy underwear providers, or a sincere celebration of one of the most fundamental yet highly sought-after human emotions? You decide. What’s love go to do with it, you might wonder. What’s love but a second hand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Well Ms. Turner, for starters you need a heart to pump blood around your body and stay alive. But anyway, regardless of your feelings around the feast of St. Valentine we’ve got something that may be of interest.

You like pizza, right? Of course you do. Well for one night only – February 14th to be precise – we’ve developed a brand new aphrodisiac pizza. Combining fresh chilli, chorizo and avocado, this pizza will completely guarantee* you a night of unbridled sensual erotic passion. Even if you’re alone.

We call this pizza: The Ride.

Are you getting The Ride on St. Valentine’s Day?

What makes this pizza an aphrodisiac pizza?

The three main ingredients in The Ride are held in high esteem in terms of having aphrodisiac properties. For example, chilli peppers release adrenaline in the brain, which is considered an aphrodisiac, and eating spicy food such as chilli peppers also produces endorphins, which cause excitability and pleasure. Chilli has long been regarded as having the spicy wherewithal to increase libido.

Chillis: good for the old you-know-what, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more

Chorizo contains high levels of protein and zinc, which are said to help in the production of testosterone. So that’s handy.

And what about avocados? Well, erectile function is assisted through an abundance of nitric oxide. Certain nutrients found in avocados, such as folic acid and vitamins C and E, help generate healthy levels of nitric oxide. Over two thousand years ago the Aztec civilisation regarded the avocado as an aphrodisiac. Avocado comes from a Nahuatl Indian word meaning ‘testicle’. It’s not clear if the name came from the appearance of avocados or the purported aphrodisiac qualities, but if it was good enough for the Aztecs, it’s good enough for us.

Avocados: the Aztecs thought they looked like balls, and who could blame them?

We’ll also have a veggie option with asparagus instead of chorizo. Asparagus is packed with vitamin E which is said to stimulate sex hormones in men and women. It’s also a source of folate which is good for reproductive health in general. The down side is your pee will smell like asparagus for a while after eating it. Still, your date shouldn’t notice that. Unless you’re into some weird shit.

What are you waiting for? Book a table now! We’ve a special offer for St. Valentine’s Day:

2 pizzas

2 desserts

2 beers

For just €45!

I’m also being coerced into playing power ballads and cheesy love songs on the night. We’ll see. It could be very damaging to my street cred, but any opportunity to play November Rain to a public audience should not be passed up.

 

 

 

 

*This guarantee is not guaranteed

 

 



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